Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Part 1 – packages

Spoiler: This post contains a full frontal photo of me in a rubber suit with my package clearly visible.

At the end of this month, I shall be racing a triathlon for the fist time in a long time. So long has it been, that on Wednesday last week, I thought it prudent to check that my triathlon suit has not drastically shrunk during its time in my drawer.

It has. A little. But I was able to squeeze myself in. Just. I hope it returns to its normal size in the next few weeks!

It has been even longer (about 3 years?) since I wore my open-water swimming wetsuit. I thought I’d perhaps try that on too. This took longer. It even required a break part way through – to cut my nails for fear of tearing the rubber in my efforts to wrench the obviously aged and stiffened material further on to my muscular, svelte frame. I can’t believe this suit has shrunk as much as it has!

After the leg/bum/tum workout that was the application of the lower half, I crouch down and manage to get one arm in, using the ‘slowly standing straight’ method of pulling the remainder of the wetsuit into approximate position. 

I figure, as long as I don’t need to breathe at all during the swim section of the triathlon, I shall be fine. 

Using a combination of yoga poses, near dislocation, and the sheer determination that only wetsuit wearers possess, I managed to actually put both arms in AND zip the zipper all the way up!

Yeah baby!

Woo hoo!

*Dingggg Dongggg* 

What??!

*Dingggg Dongggg*

!

An actual ding-dong. A someone-at-the-door ding-dong. A day before son’s birthday, might be a parcel, best not ignore it, sort of ding-dong.

I have no choice. I go and answer it. I try in vain to explain exactly why I’m wearing an overly tight-fitting rubber suit on one of the hottest days of the year so far as I collect the package – clearly seen in the photo below (I knew instantly that this would be a blog post  – and one that would require a photo with a caption!).image

I have decided that every day, between now and May 28th, I shall put on the tri-suit/wetsuit combo as a method of training. It ticks all the boxes:

Strength
Endurance
Flexibility

…and it’s quite motivational! :-/

Part 2 – pants

I was recently offered some more Chaffree underwear for free – I declined.

I have written before about Chaffree underwear. They asked me to. They sent me some free to try. I like them – a lot. If I didn’t, I would say. They work – if they didn’t, I would say.

Question – So why did I decline some free ones?

Answer – Because they’re worth buying! So I bought them.

In the interests of transparency, I have to declare at this point that having bought myself a further two pairs, Amanda, the Chaffree boss-lady, sent me an extra pair anyway.

So if you’re reading this and your thighs don’t chafe, then fine. No problem. Keep doing what you’re doing. It works…

… but if you do… seriously consider giving these a go. I wasn’t asked to write this. I want to. Because I love you. 

Not entirely true. 

I don’t reallyknow who you are. You could be anybody. I might know you. I might have met you. I might even love you, I suppose. Mum and dad occasionally read this blog. Hi Mum. Hi Dad. I love them. The rest of you… well… You’re lovely too I’m sure… But  the point is I did just want to write this as I wouldn’t want any of you to suffer unnecessarily with the pain that comes with chafing, especially when (but not limited to) running.

If you’re a blogger/runner/professional-underwear-reviewer then find them on Twitter (@chaffree) and get in touch with Amanda, as I know she’s always on the lookout for bloggers who write betterer than wot I do an’ that.

Part 3 – PBs

It’s been a little while since I got a 5k PB [ ‘personal best’ that is – for the benefit of my aging parents…and American people 😉 ]. Not since my little PB streak inspired by a new Garmin and a bit of weight loss before Christmas. But a couple of weeks ago, my son’s school hosted their annual 5k charity race and we both got PBs. He broke his by 4 minutes(!) to go sub-30 with 29:20, and I took about 30 seconds of mine to go sub-22  for the first time ever with a 21:45.

—————————————–

In case you were wondering… that package in the wetsuit photo…it was some new running shorts that I won through completing a challenge with ‘Running Heroes (if you sign up, use referral code 6w7m for extra points!). It wasn’t a present for my son. I could have hidden and not answered the door and it wouldn’t have mattered.

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To the tune of ‘Piano Man’ by Billy Joel…

It’s 5am on a Saturday
And I don’t want to get out of bed
But I know if I stay, that in April, I’ll pay
So I might as well just go instead

You see, that’s when I’m running a marathon
And I want to make sure that it flows
Cos it’s long and it’s hilly
And I know that I’m silly
We all know that I’d much rather doze.

“So go and run long you’re in training, man
Go and run long alright
If you’re not in the mood for a tempo run
Don your mansuit and zip it up tight”

Chaffree underwear is a friend of mine
They keep my thighs red rawness free
But I vas-up my nips or the blood from them drips
And makes a big mess on my tee

This hill! (I believe it is killing me)
As a mile in, I run up its face
Well, I’m sure that I can’t be moving far
Won’t be home til next week at this pace!

Now crawling’s a real possibility
As my legs, they cling on for dear life
And they talk with my head, who is still half in bed
And would like to be there with my wife

And for race day I’m practising fueling
Just water and nil else at all
Yes I’m shunning the drinks full of sugariness
As I’m hoping to not hit ‘the wall’

“So enjoy running long you’re in training, man
Enjoy running long alright
You’ll be getting much stronger and running much longer
So in April you so won’t be all sh..oddy”

It’s a pretty good run for a Saturday
And I manage some seventeen miles
But although, now I’m fine, is tomorrow the time
I’ll experience DOMS (and my piles)?

So my mind turns now to recovery
And although I feel like a beer
I’ll stretch and I’ll stroll and get out the foam roll
And say “This marathon’s yours, do you hear?”

“So enjoy running long you’re in training, man!
And enjoy stretching off, tonight
For you know that you could
Do as much as you should
And stop muscles from feeling all tight.

Before I start, perhaps a disclaimer is in order.
In the process of explaining what SUSTYM is all about, I have included photos of myself.
Photos that some readers may find offensive due to the fact they contain uncensored nipples.
You have been warned.

Based on the original ancient Japanese method of Susatybi (Soo-sa-tie-bee), the Sustym (Suss-tim) is the inevitable new westernised mutation of the process that has dramatically changed my life following its development from that small Japanese coastal village of Poe-Sing many years ago.

I shall first show you the dramatic results produced over a short period in January 2015 alone…

image

image

It is my personal opinion that SUSTYM and SUSATYBI are used far more widely in sports/fitness circles than is currently admitted. I can only guess this is because some people are almost embarrassed by its sheer effectiveness.

It uses processes highly recommended by modern physiotherapists but also contains the wisdom of our elders, fusing them in an easy to apply format that produces the instant results that makes it such a popular method in today’s media culture.

It is applied most effectively (although as mentioned, sometimes tacitly) by nearly all fitness models, but is a method that can also be employed effectively by Joe Public, as can be seen from my photos above.

The easy to follow steps for the original SUSATYBI are as follows:

Stand
Up
Straight
And
Tuck
Your
Belly
In

And more recently for SUSTYM:

Stand
Up
Straight
Tense
Your
Muscles

In case it wasn’t already obvious, the above photos were taken over an elapsed period of approximately 2 minutes just this morning.

Unfortunately, these methods didn’t help me to a parkrun PB, but I blame this on the fact that I arrived at my parkrun venue only to find out it had (quite rightly) been cancelled due to ice so I sped drove safely within the speed limit to the next closest one (ten minutes away) relying on the fact that lots of people were due to receive T-shirts this week. They rarely start bang on 9 o’clock anyway.

I parked up and then had to run half a mile to the start, just in time to join everyone on the first corner of what was a very muddy, occasionally icy, but certainly totally slippy course.

It wasn’t a PB.

I’m sorry for leading you all on, yesterday 😦
But I really was planning on making it so.

Janathon (day 31) and therefore JANATHON – involving no PBs (but at least a parkrun when one might not have happened) and a great SUSTYM for slimming down – DONE!

So you’ve somehow heard about Juneathon. You think it could be fun, exercising and blogging everyday in June. You like a challenge so you figured “why not?” and you’ve signed up.

image

(Can I just add at this point that clearly, this entire post is sooo completely different to the ‘How to survive a Janathon’ one that I wrote in…errr…January. Completely different. Not the same at all.)

If this is your first time doing a Juneathon, you may figure that coming up with something interesting to write everyday can’t be that hard, and to be fair, it might not be for you… in which case – fine… you have no need to read on. But if you’d like a few pointers from someone that doesn’t really know what he’s on about either (but has three years+ experience of such), then do read on.

I did my first Juneathon 3 years ago and loved the randomness of thinking of different things to do and write about each day. I had never done this blogging thing before and I was pretty new to running too so it was all quite exciting really. One of my most viewed posts (actually, until I wrote the Janathon version of this one), still remains one of my first (alas, it is true, I have mostly gone downhill since then) and I think that was due to me referencing so many other bloggers.

Which brings me onto my first tip.

1) Read other people’s blogs (and comment on them)

There are likely to be a couple of hundred or so people doing this thing and the chances are that a few of them are going to write some interesting/helpful/entertaining/inspiring/supportive things that you identify with…
… but they may take some searching out. Even once you’ve found a few such blogs, there will likely be at least a few days of the month when these people feel tired, uninspired or mojo deficient, but it’s probably best not to tell them their post was not up to their usual standard… actually, scratch that… do tell them… they might not know otherwise and continue producing drivel.

2) …but don’t expect people to read yours.

Seriously, as I just mentioned, there could be a couple of hundred or so people doing this thing and that is a lot of blogs for anyone to try and read through all of them. It isn’t going to happen. Chances are, people will (like you) regularly read a few of the blogs that they have somehow stumbled across and identified with, but they may not have time to to this every day for every blog they read. Don’t take it personally.
I like THIS PHILOSOPHY, myself. So please, ignore what I wrote just now, feel free to come or go as you wish. Comment or not, I actually really don’t mind. I’m not trying to create some sort of brand or running empire here. I do not forward my statistics to the media or marketing companies.
I write and run just for fun.

3) Have a theme (maybe)

It can be useful to have some sort of theme so that your readers know what to expect from your blog (unless what you want them to expect is the unexpected) but don’t just tell me your: time, distance covered, average pace, top speed, maximum heart rate, route taken, etc and expect me to still be awake two minutes later.

5) Be original.

This is often easier said than done, so don’t get too tied up on it. But if you can come up with a new take on something or present it in such a way as to make it entertaining or easily digestible then, great. If not, just be you. Don’t try to be someone else, they will always be a better them than you can.

6) Don’t continually whine about your broken shoulder (or plantar fasciitis)

Even if you have a broken shoulder which is really frustrating and although you can still function it makes you feel less of a human being and it somehow seems to have stripped away a little bit of your self-image and left you feeling a different person somehow, don’t let the fact that you have a broken shoulder (which annoyingly sometimes seems fine and at others renders you incapable of passing someone a packet of crisps) take over in any way from whatever else you have to write.

By all means tell people but don’t keep going on about it all the time.

They will get bored.

Even if you include pictures…

20131228-073115.jpg like that, people will still get bored. Especially if they’ve seen them before.
Even if you turn it into a game…

20131228-073449.jpg like that or like this…

20131228-073618.jpg …it doesn’t matter. It just gets a bit tedious.
(That last picture for any newcomers to my blog, was ‘Planter Fascist Eye-Test’ get it? Hilarious, I’m sure.)

So to recap – Don’t mention the broken shoulder.
(I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it).

7) Do include photographs.
Here’s one of my broken shoulder for example…
image
And here’s another of a parkrun at Christmas…
image
Or a nice field with a funky looking cloud…

20131229-063926.jpg
I think you get the idea. They break up the writing and make it easier for people with short attention spans to…
…to… oh look… a squirrel!

If you are feeling so inclined you could create an entire blog post using ONLY photographs/images (but I warn you, this is more time consuming than it looks).

8) If in doubt. Keep it short.

9) Don’t try to follow some magic formula.

Someone will always come up with a list of 10 rules to writing a blog, or something similar.
Ignore them.
Have fun.
Do your own thing.
Enjoy.

And finally…
10) If you want to be taken seriously, never, EVER, under any circumstances, forget rule number 4.
.

.

.

.

.

11) Set clear expectations/boundaries and stick to them.

So you’ve somehow heard about Janathon. You think it could be fun, exercising and blogging everyday in January. You like a challenge so you figured “why not?” and you’ve signed up.

20131227-082704.jpg

If this is your first time, you may figure that coming up with something interesting to write everyday can’t be that hard, and to be fair, it might not be for you… in which case – fine… you have no need to read on. But if you’d like a few pointers from someone that doesn’t really know what he’s on about either (but has three years experience of such), then read on.

I did my first Janathon 3 years ago and loved the randomness of thinking of different things to do and write about each day. I had never done this blogging thing before and I was pretty new to running too so it was all quite exciting really. My most viewed post still remains one of my first (alas, it is true, I have gone downhill since then) but I think that was due to referencing so many other bloggers.

Which brings me onto my first tip.

1) Read other people’s blogs (and comment on them)

There are likely to be a couple of hundred or so people doing this thing and the chances are that a few of them are going to write some interesting/helpful/entertaining/inspiring/supportive things that you identify with…
… but they may take some searching out. Even once you’ve found a few such blogs, there will likely be at least a few days of the month when these people feel tired, uninspired or mojo deficient, but it’s probably best not to tell them their post was not up to their usual standard… actually, scratch that… do tell them… they might not know otherwise and continue producing drivel.

2) …but don’t expect people to read yours.

Seriously. There are likely to be a hundred or so people doing this thing and that is a lot of blogs for anyone to try and read through all of them. It isn’t going to happen. Chances are people will (like you) regularly read a few of the blogs that they have somehow stumbled across and identified with, but they may not have time to to this every day for every blog they read. Don’t take it personally.
I like THIS PHILOSOPHY, myself. So please, ignore what I wrote just now, feel free to come or go as you wish. Comment or not, I actually really don’t mind. I’m not trying to create some sort of brand or running empire here. I do not forward my statistics to the media or marketing companies.
I write and run just for fun.

3) Have a theme (maybe)

It can be useful to have some sort of theme so that your readers know what to expect from your blog (unless what you want them to expect is the unexpected) but don’t just tell me your: time, distance covered, average pace, top speed, maximum heart rate, route taken, etc and expect me to still be awake two minutes later.

5) Be original.

This is often easier said than done, so don’t get too tied up on it. But if you can come up with a new take on something or present it in such a way as to make it entertaining or easily digestible then, great. If not, just be you. Don’t try to be someone else, they will always be a better them than you can.

6) Don’t continually whine about your broken shoulder (or plantar fasciitis)

Even if you have a broken shoulder which is really frustrating and although you can still function it makes you feel less of a human being and it somehow seems to have stripped away a little bit of your self image and left you feeling a different person somehow, don’t let the fact that you have a broken shoulder (which annoyingly sometimes seems fine and at others renders you incapable of passing someone a packet of crisps) take over in any way from whatever else you have to write.

By all means tell people but don’t keep going on about it all the time.

They will get bored.

Even if you include pictures…

20131228-073115.jpg like that, people will still get bored. Especially if they’ve seen them before.
Even if you turn it into a game…

20131228-073449.jpg like that or like this…

20131228-073618.jpg …it doesn’t matter. It just gets a bit tedious.
(That last picture for any newcomers to my blog, was ‘Planter Fascist Eye-Test’ get it? Hilarious, I’m sure.)

So to recap – Don’t mention the broken shoulder.
(I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it).

7) Do include photographs.
Here’s one of my broken shoulder for example…
image
And here’s another of a parkrun at Christmas…
image
Or a nice field with a funky looking cloud…

20131229-063926.jpg
I think you get the idea. They break up the writing and make it easier for people with short attention spans to…oh look a squirrel!
If you are feeling so inclined you could create a Janathon blog post using only photographs/images (but I warn you, this is more time consuming than it looks).

8) If in doubt. Keep it short.

9) Don’t try to follow some magic formula.

Someone will always come up with a list of 10 rules to writing a blog, or something similar.
Ignore them.
Have fun.
Do your own thing.
Enjoy.

And finally…
10) If you want to be taken seriously, never, EVER, under any circumstances, forget rule number 4.
.

.

.

.

.

11) Set clear expectations/boundaries and stick to them.

 

Oh and I almost forgot…

Today I ran: for a bit at midnight just so I could post this up nice and early

My maximum heart rate was: a lot quicker than it should have been

My pace was: generally pretty rubbish

I wore: myself out

Also….Contemplating a parkrun in my dressing gown later this morning.